If Hollywood Can Give Us 3D, Why Can’t They Give Us More Than Black and White?

Let’s play “Spot The Diversity”! It’s a game so uncommonly easy that anyone can play it! That doesn’t mean everyone will be good at playing it—particularly faux-diversity-driven American entertainment executives–it just means everyone can play it. So let’s get started!

Quick! Name five Asian male lead actors in a major American movie! Easy, right? But wait! Name five Asian male lead actors in a major American movie that ISN’T a martial arts movie! If you named Mickey Rooney for his role as the buffoonish caricature I.Y. Yunioshi in the otherwise great movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” or David Carradine as an Asian in the TV series “Kung Fu” (originally conceived by Bruce Lee, who wanted to star in it) don’t be sad! You have what it takes to be a faux-diversity-driven American entertainment executive!

To Someone Better Than I Could Ever Be

You. Never lied to me.

You. Told me you were my mom.

You. Told me I was adopted.

You. Loved me in the purest and highest of ways.

You. Were there when I was sick.

You. Comforted me as only a mother could.

You. Taught me to read and count before preschool.

You. Gave of your time.

You. Would always insist on eating the wing so that I would have the bigger piece.

You. Gave your all, gave your best.

You. Did all this despite the tremendous amount of adversity you faced all your life.

You. Illustrated and demonstrated the best of humanity.

You. Were, are, and always will be my mother.

Until we meet again in Heaven, Happy Mothers Day.

You. Are dearly missed.

Susie Is 45 and Has Never Had A Period. Maybe It’s The Testicles.

This Just In: The State of Colorado (Motto: “We can’t be blamed for anything we do since we legalized marijuana. Dude, we’re soooo stoned.”) has just ordered that in order to be sensitive to men who identify as a woman all women’s restrooms must have urinals installed . A bill is also in the Colorado House that will require all restrooms to install trees for men who identify as Labrador Retrievers.

“Susie”, who we met coming out of the womens restroom at a “Monster Truck Rally”, and formerly (5 minutes ago, according to Susie) known as “Billy-Joe” told us “I don’t always identify as a woman, but DAMN the line for the mens room is long! And I got me some eight cups of Budweiser itchin’ to come back out! This new law about installing urinals in the womens bathroom is really gonna help things along because the other gals seem to get upset when I whip out ol’ “lil susie” and pee in the sink”.

When we pointed out that “Susie” was wearing mens clothes and had enough facial hair to make several floor mops Susie said “I just feel feminine on the inside. Especially when I need to pee really bad”.

My Parents Went To Baltimore and All I Got Was This Looted T-Shirt

We interrupt Words in a China Shop’s regular scheduled posting to bring you the following.

Words in a China Shop is offering for your protesting pleasure a tour bus to Baltimore! Whether you’re angry about injustice, or just want to light some fires and loot (and maybe beat a few innocent bystanders for fun) THIS is the trip for you!

The itinerary is as follows:

Day 1) We’ll be looting all our favorite stores. It’s important to loot first before all the good stuff is already taken or burned. If there’s a specific store you’d like to loot let us know! Nothing says “I’m protesting injustice” like getting a free flat screen TV!

Day 2) We’ll be burning down businesses. Why? Because we’re protesting police brutality and businesses must have SOMETHING to do with that. You’ve heard of the Illuminati, right? Besides, it’s still chilly in Baltimore and fire is nice and warm. We’re not just protesting, we’re bringing COMFORT.

Day 3) We’ll be beating innocent bystanders. It’s not a protest if there’s not arbitrary beatings of innocents! Make sure to wear your steel-toed boots for the kicking of people when they’re down! If you don’t have steel-toed boots we offer them at a very reasonable price.

There’s no need to worry about eating costs since we’ll be looting all our favorite restaurants! What other tour gives you THAT kind of deal!

Finally, don’t forget to bring empty suitcases with you for your loot bounty! Loot that does not fit in your part of the tour buses storage can be placed (for a nominal fee) in a U-Haul trailer we’re bringing along. So don’t be afraid to loot that 65 inch TV!

Disclaimer: We are not responsible for anyone caught by the police looting, burning, or beating. We can however, fix you up with a good lawyer. And for a nominal fee we can have none other than Al Sharpton make a brief statement on your behalf!

Seats are limited! Reserve yours now!

Role-Reversal is a Bitch, So Stop Being One

THIS JUST IN: Recently the state of Wyoming (Motto: “Our entire population can fit in your average public restroom. We KNOW this.”) proposed legislation of the controversial “Worldview Freedom Restoration Law”, a replacement for the “Religious Freedom Restoration Law”, that would protect atheists from having to violate their worldview with such things as having to bake a cake for a Christian wedding.

Roger Golfpants, spokesman for “Repress And Never Tolerate” (RANT) said in a press release “As Christians, we are outraged at the proposal of any ‘worldview freedom law’ that is obviously just a way for atheists to practice their intolerant bigotry against Christians. Atheists should not be allowed to refuse someone’s business just because they are Christians. Normally, we whole-heartedly welcome the opportunity to rant about something, but usually it’s a rant calling public pleas for tolerance ‘the homosexual agenda’. This brings injustice to Christians to a whole new level!”.

Can You Say “Religious Freedom” Without Drooling?

Hello boys and girls. Welcome to “Mister Gaerlan’s Neighborhood”. I’m so glad you’re here. Today we’re going to talk about “standards”. Can you say “standards”? Sure, I knew you could.

Mr. Gaerlan has been seeing a lot in the news and social media about “religious freedom laws”. Some Christians seem very upset that people want language in the laws that prohibit discrimination against LGBT folks. Can you say “what the hell?”. Sure, I knew you could. Mr. Gaerlan is also a Christian, but Mr. Gaerlan has standards that don’t discriminate against anyone for their sexuality. But what about if Mr. Gaerlan had a business? Should Mr. Gaerlan’s business be allowed to discriminate against someone because of their sexuality? Well look! Here comes Mr. Train to help us learn about business standards!

Hello Mr Train, how are you today? Mr Train: “Choo choo!”. Well that’s good to hear, Mr. Train, can you tell the boys and girls about standards in conducting business transactions? Mr Train: “Choo choo!”. Mr. Gaerlan is going to have to translate what Mr Train just said. Mr Train said that a business transaction is exactly that: a business transaction. Nothing more and nothing less. A business transaction is not a tacit agreement, acceptance, or promotion of a paying customers lifestyle. Providing goods and/or services is only fulfilling the obligation of the business transaction. Consideration of a customers sexuality is not a necessary component of conducting business! Well thank you Mr. Train, that tells the boys and girls that no one has to agree with someone’s lifestyle in order to conduct business with them! Can you say “I don’t have to be straight in order to order a cheeseburger”? Sure, I knew you could.

None For Me, Thanks

So I’m enjoying the current nice weather and eating some ice cream when my friend Tommy walks in with a frown on his face. Not your typical “Donald Trump Perma-Frown”, but one even more pronounced. I ask Tommy “Why the frown? Did your latest fund-raising attempt to make fried chicken flavored coffee fail?”.

“No”, said Tommy, “I’m just wound up about the election”.

“What election?”

“The Presidential election. You know, the one where we vote someone into the most powerful and influential position on earth apart from the CEO of Apple?”

“We seem to go through this every four years, Tommy. You should be used to it by now. It’s like a set routine, like morning pooping”.

“Yeah, I know, but that doesn’t make it any easier. All the posturing, all the promises. The promises! What do you suppose the percentage of broken promises is?”

“I don’t know. Probably somewhere between ‘Used car salesman’ and ‘Late night infomercial selling a gadget You Can’t Live Without”

“Exactly, Marc. Do you realize that in this country it’s illegal to lie to a government official, and yet we EXPECT them to lie to us and get away with it?”

“Ya, it’s kind of like being in a relationship with my last girlfriend, only we’re legally obligated to not break up with our elected officials”

Sit On It and Spin

According to a recent scientific study found on the internet and that I just made up this moment, 57.91% of all facts we read in the media and on the Internet are made up or skewed in some way. Now you may be skeptical, but keep in mind that the scientific study I made up was done by super-smart imaginary scientists. You don’t want to argue with science, do you?

It seems we’re bombarded by imaginary “facts” on a daily basis more than Kanye West tells himself he loves himself, which “experts” estimate to be 846,357 times a day. Depending on what side of whatever issue the topic happens to be, there are countless “facts” given that Totally Obliterate The Other Sides “Facts”. And we have pundits, who all have Doctorate degrees in Punditry, to give us these “facts”. If the pundits are on TV they will shout these facts at you with very stern and upset looks because they are Very Angry At The Other Side. Conservatives are mad at liberals. Liberals are mad at conservatives. Moderates are mad that their conservative and liberal fiends and family are hogging the TV with either Fox News or CNN when “The Big Bang Theory” is on.

Here’s the thing: In order for something to be a “fact”, it has to be true. Not “I think it’s true” or “It’s true to me”, but TRUE. No, “partially true” does not count either—which alone, according to scientific research I just made up—debunks 132% of all political “facts” given by professional pundits.